Poor Abdiwali Abdiqadir Muse was caught off the coast of Somalia and charged with piracy. Don’t worry though as all will be well.
The new administration has formed a legal task force and a forensics unit which is currently collecting evidence by dredging 100 square miles of the ocean so that habeas corpus rules can be adhered to once we bring the pirate (child) to trial. He will be represented by a team of lawyers led by Jerry Spence on the taxpayer’s dime. We’ll call this stimulus.
He’ll get off as he is only a misguided teen and of course any evidence collected at 15,000 ft (at great risk of loss of life) under the surface of the ocean will have been compromised by the radical right wingers currently populating the US Navy. He will be released as a new immigrant into the US, with public housing, welfare, food stamps (et al) , a free college education at the University of Chicago, become radicalized by William Ayers after which he will join mosque obtain a new mission and kill lots of us.
Dick Cheney and George Bush will be prosecuted for killing the other pirates (children) because although there is no evidence, we all know their administration bought lots of bullets and we don’t like them anyway.
Finally the “One” will fly to Somalia with his twelve teleprompters, entourage of 500 stylists, photographers and image consultants. He will personally apologize to the families of the pirates, hand out boatloads of cash, rice and kot all the time blaming the previous administration for its lack of compassion.